Iclass> dodged two bullets in the last four years. I avoided a vitriolic, expensive divorce and narrowly escaped marrying someone who can only be described as the Antichrist. I am thankful daily for my good fortune in both instances, but I am ever-mindful that luck eventually runs out.
Therein lies the greatest challenge with my fear of commitment.
As recently as last fall my thoughts on relationships were so jaded that I would find myself saying to the current man I was dating as well as to friends, ?Well, when we break up?? To state the obvious, it wasn?t a well-received comment by the men I dated. But I knew none of the relationships were long term, whether I admitted it openly or dealt quietly with a niggling feeling inside.
Then I met The Boyfriend and everything changed.
The intensity of my feelings for him were unprecedented. The immediate comfort I found in his presence was surprising. The desire to spend the rest of my life with him was without question. My short-term thoughts on relationships has disappeared and my unresolved feelings regarding commitment need a resolution.
So here I am internally struggling with no idea of how to work through this. My fierce independence, in part, contributes to my hesitation for a more significant level of commitment. Not being someone who easily embraces change is another factor. But my greatest struggle with commitment is the fear of failure.?To me, failure isn?t just defined as divorce though, but also to be unhappy in a marriage.
I have worked hard for four years to be thriving financially again, incredibly happy, and feeling completely fulfilled in my life. I don?t want to wake, dreading interaction with the person next to me on a daily basis. I don?t want to dislike the man I married. And I have no interest in having that starting-over feeling that results from divorce.
I have stated to friends and family I don?t understand putting myself in a situation again where I need to pay a lawyer to break up with someone. It is still nonsensical to me and yet I think about that level of commitment with The Boyfriend.
Emotionally and financially, I can?t afford to fail at marriage.
But I utter the M-word more often these days.
I think about a lifetime of happiness with a man I truly believe is my soul mate.
And then the fear creeps in?
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